Feelings as Heroic
Messengers

Well, here’s a zany confession: I didn’t actually want to become a relationship coach. At least not the kind that coached people around their most intimate relationships.

The whole relationship coaching thing just didn’t call my name. (Though every other profession imaginable did. Uh, not truck driving – too scary. Nor hairdressing – I’m a little sensory like that. But most others. Just not marital coaching.)

Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I was bad at relationships or anything. Most of the relationships in my life were really pretty solid. My relationships with my children had their ups and downs, of course, but on the whole I had a pretty good relationship with each of my kids (and a strong-willed brood they are, hem hem). My relationship with my husband, too, deserved a good rating – though I had never really cracked the code as to what I was doing right (or was it just him?) and even my relationship with my mother in law was stellar!! (I’m actually serious).  Much the same, coaching people around their intimate relationships just didn’t especially appeal to me. Not to mention that it seemed like, um, a pretty yenta sort of thing to do.

When I began training as an NLP coach, my original plan was to coach women to build thriving passion-businesses so they could support their families doing what they loved. That was my idea of adventure. But, then, after having been a coach for a while (who focused mostly on clients’ internal barriers to goal achievement) and always looking to level up my skills, I heard that a coach I admired for her striking finesse was starting a coaches’ training program. And I knew I had to join. The fact that her training was going to focus on relationships? Well, who really cared? I would steal her coaching toolkit, copy-past her artistry, and apply it all towards the varient of coaching that I was personally passionate about. The relationship aspect? Eh. It wouldn’t make a difference either way. 

But as I progressed through the long months of relationship training, weird things started to happen. My husband and I started feeling closer. And closer. Suddenly, after over 15 years of marriage, no amount of time together seemed like enough. Our bond became deeper than ever. The joys of shana rishona completely paled in comparison. (Actually, I could never figure all the hype around shana rishona. For me, that was the most difficult year of my marriage hands down.) But now we were simply enamored with one another. And as if by coincidence, my husband, who I had wished would stop smoking for years already, suddenly quit smoking – just like that. Without me even bringing up the topic. Literally to make me happy! The only thing he asked for in return was that I commit to writing him a letter of affirmation a few months down the line so he would have something to look forward to. And he never looked back!

I discovered that the level of joy I was experiencing around my relationship at that point was uniquely exhilarating and exquisite. Possibly more fulfilling than anything I’d experienced before. Uh…did  I say that the notion of relationship coaching hadn’t really excited me? Well now it did. And I wanted to get out there and let all women know just how much power they had buried between their ears.

So hear o women: if your relationship is good, you can make it way better. And if it’s sagging or withering, you can infuse it with new life. Totally singlehandedly.

Because a woman is the natural leader in her relationships (across all cultures, by the way. And yes, I am totally generalizing because there are some males out there who embody more female energy than some females:).

And also because a relationship is like a dance. If you change just one dance step, the other person can’t just keep on moving to the same old rythm. 

So whether it’s about your relationship with your husband, your teen, your toddler, your mother in law…or, well, just about anyone else…

Just change one pattern. One thought. One feeling. One belief.

That’s literally all it takes to start shifting the dynamic.